Why Didn’t DSP Count Raoul Sign the Declaration of Independence? He’s Old, Right?


Lost for years on an old Wang hard drive, this email, recently discovered, appears to support DSP Count Raoul’s claim that he is descended from a Founding Father.

Date: Mon, 2 June 1776 13:05:45 -0400

Subject: Hey
From: Count.Raoul@minutemanmail.com

To:  Johnny_Hancock@stopthetax.org

Big John:

Salutations old friend.  I received the certified letter from B. Franklin yesterday about the big confab in Philadelphia later this month.  A bit dramatic in my opinion?  He said you were not only going, but playing President of the Congress.  Fancy title for such a short guy don’t you think?  Can I be Grand Wizard or some sort of Potentate?  LOL.

I have not responded to Ben yet and wanted to get a take on what exactly might happen?  First, why the heck are we doing it now?  Philadelphia is hot as Barbados in July.  Can’t we meet in the Poconos?  Is there an agenda?  With a bunch of hot headed lawyer types in one room, what starts out as a meeting to demand an agent in Parliament can erupt into some sort of Independence Brouhaha.  You know I’m right.  And if that liberal carrot top Jefferson offers to grab his quills and come back in a few days with a ‘Declaration’, we’d better send a Quaker with him.  Otherwise, he’ll commit us all to some damn strike or letter writing campaign that might lead to more trouble than we have now.

If I come, do not sit me next to Patrick Henry.  Oh, my goodness is he insufferable dramatic.  I’ll bet that little piss-ant got a whippin’ every day as a kid.  And Adams with that fancy language and stinky clothes.  Put those two together and see if they’ll kill each other.

Franklin says he’s having a barbecue on July 4th if we’re still in town.  Wants to make it a tradition.  I’ve gotta leave on the 3rd ‘cause my condo rental at Pascagoula starts the next week.  I’ll be lucky to make it for the back half.  Can you and Clair join us for the weekend?

Lemme know what you’ve heard.  The more I think about it, if done right and the beer is cold, this Philadelphia meeting could border on historic.

DSP Count Raoul

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